tinted files

today is a Thursday. and like all Thursdays past, this is the day i and my housemates deliberately gather together to eat salt and break bread around our glass table in ivhome. after the sumptous meal usually prepared by our ‘Mother Superior’, there is a break of a few minutes when all the cleaning-up is done. then, we gather again in our spacious sala to talk and listen to each other until we feel like it. this Thursday ritual is a deliberate effort to touch bases with our fellow ivhomers as we do not see each other during the week because each of us have very different lives. everyone knows that it is a sacrilege to be absent during this Thursday dinners and meetings and that they will have to ‘talk with the staff’ if they ever do so. haha! so from 7:30pm til 11pm on Thursdays, all of us ivhomers are in a circle under one roof, untouched by the world, pigging out on delicious food, laughing our hearts out, reading the Word, and ministering to one another. bawal magtext, tumanggap ng call, matulog, o makipag-date. =)

there are now 10 people living in our ivhome although there are only 9 regular ivhomers. those staying in the main house are ate ging, nang bjo, nang jimjim, ako, leng, frozti and juvy. the boys stay in the annex and they are naldz, ivan, and marvin. (wala sa pix si juvy, marvin at yanyan.) juvy will be transferring on Saturday but Yanyan will be taking her place (although Yanyan will be staying at the annex). there are three teachers, two nurses, one HRD, one call-girl, one supervisor, two doctors, and one katulong in our house (including yanyan and juvy). there are also countless members of the animal kingdom sharing living space with us, most notable of which is our cat, Rain, who has an identity crisis; he doesn’t know if he’s a cat, a rat, or a human. =)                                                                                                                                  

tonight, we had a special guest at the IVHome and he cooked for us. Pa (ni ate ging) cooked a spicy dish of pagi (sting ray) for us. syempre may gata as they are bicolanos. at maanghang. ummm…. namit gid! delicious! o kay sarap! aroy maak maak! lami gud kaayo! muy deliciosio! at lahat lahat na. masarap talaga! it was my first time to eat a sting ray (actually i was expecting a shark pero wala atang nakitang shark si Pa sa market). we were alternately putting food in our mouths, drinking water, and sniffing our noses as the chili got the better of us. but in the end, all of us sat back replete and satieted by the wonderful meal we had. thank you Pa! kadto ka balik digdi ha! =)                                                                      

and guess who kung sino-sino ang dakilang taga-hugas? ako. at si naldo. at si juvy at frozti. haaaay… gabundok ang plato at baso at mga kubyertos! hehe, buti na lng at KC grad na ako…… hehe…

my, do i feel chatty today! kase naman e, our phone has been out of service this past week because of the winds that the monsoon season brought to Iloilo. napakadaming bahay daw ang nawalang ng telephone connections because of it sabi ng PLDT and today lng bumalik ulit ung dial tone. so namiss ko lng naman magsulat at magkwento.                                                                                    

well, yesterday, i and my housemates had a date with our KCmate from Manila. we went to Coffee Break (Starbucks ng Iloilo) and we stayed there from 10pm to 12 midnight… kahit na may exam ako kanina, i was glad i went because i believe that relationships are more important than exams. i can make up for a low grade in an exam any time pero i cannot get back lost opportunities to bond with friends. lalo na KCmate pa man din yun at minsan lng siya makakadalaw ulit dito sa Iloilo. (nga pla, our exam kanina was easy lng and i was able to study naman for it when i got back home kaninang madaling araw.) so i’m really glad that we went out kagabi to hear each other’s stories and to update each other on how life is and how it is to be a young professional and all that growing up stuff. hehe. we talked about life in Manila, ung challenges sa work nya, ung challenge to life a godly life, ung hirap na biglang mawalan ng support group… and all those things that make graduating so bittersweet. i shared my own fears and apprehensions and yearnings about still being ‘unproductive’ at my age since i’m still studying. i was encouraged to listen to battles fought and victories won by my friends. battles not against flesh and blood but against the principalities of this world. i was blessed to know that although it is hard to shine as a light in the world, it is still possible… and it is still called for. i was saddened to hear that some of us have fallen along the way or are struggling more than most. but nevertheless, the overwhelming grace and love of our God was evident and undeniable. for that we give Him endless glory and praise.                                                                

before that, i and my housemates (all girls) went out for dinner at Mang Inasal’s. (if you’re ever in Iloilo, do not forger to eat there.) masaya rin ang usapan, kwentuhan, tawanan at kainan. it was also nice to window-shop after, to look for books in the book sale and clothes at Magarbo. hehe. iba pa rin ang may kasamang mga babae na pare-pareho ang hilig. affirming in a way at masarap ang feeling after.                                                                                                   

before that pa, frozti and i had a fun time during lunch with our churchmates at Calvary Chapel. ang saya, ang dami at ang sarap ng food, we got to bond more than usual and got to know each other more than as church attendees and pastor/leaders. ang saya to see each other in their unguarded moments, to watch mtvs of good bands, to dote on a baby and ask him to sing and dance, to just be silly and still be accepted. what made it even more memorable is that it was so unplanned.

yesterday was such a beautiful day. it was so ~Sunday~. I had a wonderful and refreshing day to listen and to talk and to interact with friends. it was a time of affirming relationships and strengthening one another, sharing in another’s joys and pains. i also discovered the deliciousness of mint tea, of which i drank three mugfulls at Coffee Break. sarrrrap! if you’re ever in the vicinity, do not hesitate to drop a line and we’d love to take you out for inasal and coffee.

yun na muna. tsaka na ulit. =)

today i started reading C.S. Lewis’s book The Four Loves at about 12 noon. (i can now see my father filling up with pride! hehe.) i haven’t gone past the first three pages though because we had an exam at 10am and everyone around the table in the library were reviewing answers as i started reading so hindi ako maka-focus. add to that, this book is no easy reading. it’s quite different from the Chronicles of Narnia na kaya mong tapusin yung buong seven books in one day if you have the time. with this book, i feel like i’m eating a very rich cake and you have to take it in small bites, then savor every bite. then you have to stop biting every once in a while to give your stomach time to digest and absorb it. biting too big and finishing the entire thing in one gulp would be a waste of a good cake and would only give me indigestion. ayun. so i’m taking it real slow and easy. haaay…. so rich. so nice. so free. so intellectually stimulating! =)                                                                

so i just thought i’d share a few lines here in my blog. kase amazing tlga siya magsulat:

        "We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover

         loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we

         need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves."

isa pa…

          "… our whole being by its very nature is one vast need; incomplete,

          preparatory, empty yet cluttered, crying out for Him who can untie

          things that are knotted together and tie up things that are still

          dangling loose."

and another:

          "It would be a bold and silly creature that came before its Creator

          with the boast "I’m no beggar. I love you disinterestedly".

and last for now:

           "Man approaches God most nearly when he is in one sense least

           like God. For what can be more unlike than fullness and need,

           sovereignty and humility, righteousness and penitence, limitless

           power and a cry for help?…"

two pages pa lng yan… i’ve barely started reading it and i have many things to quote na, many things to ponder about, many things to reflect on. Thank God for writers like Lewis who are able to put into such eloquent and delicious words things that seems so difficult to grasp. haaay…. ang sarap magbasa. it’s a book i highly recommend you read. if you see a copy of it somewhere in your bookstores, could you tell me please? because i really want one for my own. hiniram ko lng kase tong book na ito sa housemate ko e. i hope i can get one for myself. haaay…. ang saya!

I finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie 10 minutes ago (as of the writing of this sentence). My eyes are puffed, red and stinging. I can sense a headache starting to build up. I can feel the faint hints of pounding between my ears. My nasal passages and sinuses are clogged and I feel that my entire face is so heavy and full. This is because I couldn’t keep myself from crying since page 28 and the book had 192 pages. It took me two hours, more or less, to read the entire thing: from the comments and praises on the outside back cover, to the front cover and through to the info on Mitch Albom on the inside back cover. I remember behaving the same way and experiencing the same things as I read Erich Segal’s Love Story and Pat Conroy’s Beach Music.

What is it with reading about a dying person and his last words that moves me so? What is it with a former student renewing his relationship with his old professor that moves me to tears? Why is it that books like these always cause me to bawl and sniff and whimper? Why do I spend the better part of several hours crying? Why do I still read these kinds of books?

The reality of death, the separation and the loneliness that it brings to the people left behind, the pain while in the process of dying, the realizations, regrets, forgiving others, making peace with the past, the present and the future, the searching inside oneself, asking the tough questions, trying to come up with satisfactory answers, and the not knowing when I or someone close to me will go through it… all these and more are what reduces me to a sniveling little girl. Perhaps it is wise indeed to keep a little bird on our shoulder and to ask it constantly, “Is this the day?” Perhaps we would choose more wisely, give more generously, laugh more loudly, forgive more freely, and love more deeply. Perhaps we would then truly live.

Perhaps I read these books to help me think and to help me cry. Perhaps it is also to help me keep my sanity in this insane world I move in. Or I read these books to give me a better grip on the many realities I deal with everyday. Or is it just that I love to cry? I don’t know. But I won’t say that these books don’t teach me anything.                           

I guess I’m also a Tuesday person…                                                                                                                                                                                 

My head and eyes are really starting to hurt…

haha. any violent reactions? comments? agree? disagree? i got this from a classmate and i was amused so i thought i’d just post it here. i’m a true blue Feb baby, right?! you have no idea… wahahaha!

February 
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt.  Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.  Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

this week: one derma exam, mailed one letter, 3 sessions of SGD, one superficial spreading malignant melanoma, slept twice in the library, one heartbreaking exec meeting, three sundaes, one prayer meeting, one leprosarium, one wonderful bass guitar lesson, a special lunch and dinner, jr-dark visited, three dates, four long distance calls, two movies, not enough sleep (except for yesterday and today which amounted to 16 hours), 3 sepak takraw games, one biscocho pack, and five chapters of one book in one sitting. not bad really. it’s a great week. but i’m glad it’s about to end. =)

<highlights>

Click. a good movie. did i hear you ask if i cried? well, as a matter of fact, i did. it takes so little to make me cry. i enjoyed the movie so much i surprised myself. haha!

If i had that universal remote i’d probably keep using the rewind button. i’d enjoy seeing my own delivery and growing up years but my favorite would probably be the times with my grandparents. hmm… i’d go back to the time when i first saw lolo ramon, i’d be 2 years old. i miss him so much. and i’d go back to the last time i saw lolo simo. i miss him so much as well. i know you guys are having so much fun now… but i still miss you. i wish i could’ve hugged you more. much love and kisses. til we meet again lolo ramon and lolo simo. i’d definitely wear out that rewind button. i don’t think i’ll have much use for the fast forward button, though. i don’t want to miss so much of life. besides, i don’t want to get old yet. i’m having too much fun in this decade. hehe.                                                                                    

Just My Luck. well, the plot is very simple and so high school. i wanted to watch this movie because the lead guy is cute. haha! and i’m such a hopeless romantic. nyahahaha. it takes so little to keep me amused so i enjoyed this movie as well. =) but if you’re looking for a film that’s worth your time, choose Click na lng. i’d like to think that our lives are governed by something more than luck or fate. i’d also like to think that we are responsible for all our actions and not just swept along by an unknown force that determines whether we pass or fail in life. if life was that easy then what’re our brains for? i hate not having any say in what happens to me and my life. it’s just so simple if everything was just up to chance. and irresponsible. and so unfair. i’m glad it’s not like that at all.                                                                                           

Bass Guitar Lesson. Finally! i started lessons last Thursday. and i went home on a cloud. it was so much fun. i learned a lot from that one session. my teacher has such great hands. amazing. and he’s such a great teacher because he knows what he’s talking about and he knows how to teach. he was so patient with me and so accommodating and so pleasant. hay ang saya saya tlga! the lesson was only for an hour but i was talking about it until the next day. ganun ako ka-excited mag-bass lessons. and the best thing is it’s free and i’ll be having it every thursday from now on! yehey!                                                                                       

malapit na mag-christmas! excited na ako! merry christmas!!! =)

sometimes i am at a loss for words to say

and the funny thing is

it’s ok.

thank you Lord for i know you understand me. and in you i am ok. in you i am home.

I’ve been feeling sad lately… for 11 days now to be exact. and i can’t seem to shake off the sadness that washes over me whenever i see this particular person. i always catch myself staring out to space and thinking of the if-only’s and the should-have’s. it’s really a blessing that i can still feel like Sunday every once in a while. but it’s an effort. and if i let my guard down a little, the sadness creeps back in. and it is during these times of intense sadness that i feel most alone, removed, helpless - an outsider.                                                                        

i am sad because i believe that a leader here in our Fellowship in Iloilo is making the heart of God grieve. i hurt because this person should’ve known better yet did not do better. i want to cry out "UNFAIR!" to anyone who would listen. my sadness could be nothing else but sadness of the heart, just like Nehemiah’s when he learned that Jerusalem was in ruins. and that is how i feel now. as if the walls of our Fellowship came crashing in on me and i got caught in the aftermath of the destruction. i hurt. i cannot pretend that i am unaffected. i am angry at this person’s sin. and i am very disappointed in this person. but what is more difficult is that i cannot rant or rave or scream or kick or wring this person’s neck. because i don’t have the right. and what is more, this person does not even understand why i feel this way. because this person does not know me. and so i become polite. which is so not me…                        

it is during these trying times that i realize even more that this world is not my home. i am just passing through. but even though i walk this earth for only a short time, i, along with all the others on my journey, am prone to fall or stumble along the way. the prince of the powers of this world is strong and he would not rest until we all fall away. i realize my own weaknesses and i am confronted by my own inadequacies. and i get scared for myself sometimes… i get scared that it might happen to me someday… that i might fall as well…                                                                                                                     

i realize that i am able to walk only by God’s grace. in fact it is even He who makes me stand. my journey is not hopeless and it is not without a glorious end in sight. it is during these times when my faith is shook and tested that i get homesick for this home that is prepared for me beyond the clouds. if only to get away from all the troubles that i might meet along the way, i’d rather be home now. so i look forward to that day when i am finally home.

but there is also one other home that my heart longs for and it is a home i have here on this earth — los banos. it is when i hurt most that my heart desperately yearns for this home. i long for the people i left behind and the people i barely knew. i yearn for the comfort of loving arms around me. it has been a while since i have been ministered to by people who understand every nuance of my expression or body language. i yearn to be able to hurt and grieve with people i trust with my life and whom i have been with for a long time. part of me longs to be back to a time that is long past. but part of me realizes that i cannot, and so i must do the best i can with what is given me now. i hurt. and i cry. and i pray. but even with all that, i’ve never been more homesick than now…                                              

"Mercy Me - Homesick" - this song perfectly says how i feel though no one really died… so i’d just like to borrow it anay…

                  You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
                  And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
                  But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
                  Is how long must I wait to be with you

                  I close my eyes and I see your face
                  If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
                  Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
                  I’ve never been more homesick than now

                  Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
                  The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
                  But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
                  Cause I’m still here so far away from home

                  I close my eyes and I see your face
                  If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
                  Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
                  I’ve never been more homesick than now

                  In Christ, there are no goodbye
                  And in Christ, there is no end
                  So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
                  To see you again
                  To see you again

                  And I close my eyes and I see your face
                  If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
                  Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
                  Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
                  Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

                  I’ve never been more homesick than now

on August 6, 2005, that’s yesterday, i felt like… well… like Sunday. =) let me explain:

i woke up peaceful, ready to take on the day and listen to what the Lord will be telling me during the worship service at church. the night before, my roommate and i spent a wonderful time sharing and praying together. we were able to sleep with the knowledge that our Lord is fighting our battles for us. i woke up resigned to not being able to force someone to choose the right path. i also woke up thankful that i have a newly-acquired-dear-friend. =) i dressed up in my favorite three-fourths red blouse and my favorite converse sneakers and we went to church with a new GSCF member who is seeking Christ. When we got to church, we were just in time for the start of the service. the message was very meaningful as i am now in the middle of a big mess created by my recently-acquired-dear-friend. indeed, the Lord speaks to us when we listen. haaay, salamat Lord. the songs we sang also spoke to my heart and assured me that no matter how wrong we can get, the Lord is in control and nothing escapes his attention. he alone is God. and he is worthy of my love and devotion.

                          Jesus, Jesus, Holy and Anointed One, Jesus.

                          Jesus, Jesus, Risen and Exalted One, Jesus.

                         Your name is like honey on my lips

                         Your Spirit like water to my soul

                         Your Word is a lamp unto my feet

                         Jesus I love you, I love you…

after church we had a little jamming session with my housemates. haaayy….. ang sarap humawak ulit ng bass guitar! hehe… then we ate lunch at a breezy place and i ate chocolate cake. then i went to the hospital to visit our patients kaya lng tulog sila. so i went home and slept until 5pm. ginising ako ng housemate ko then we went back to the hospital and interviewed our patients. there was one patient there who was very old and alone and in pain, but as i was leaving she told me, "God bless you." i was floored by such a gracious and loving blessing from someone who was so ill and helpless. the Lord bless her. tapos nag-bonding kami ng classmates ko and we ate ice cream.

ayun. diba, it felt so much like a Sabbath Day. i felt so light and at peace. God is in his heaven and all will be right in the world at the end.                                       

i am very thankful for yesterday. it has been a while since i felt like Sunday what with all the pressure, problems and heart-aches i encounter, especially with my newly-acquired-dear-friend. i hope that i can still feel like Sunday today. even with our exam at 10am. i sure hope i don’t feel like Monday…

Lord, please go before me. i need you today more than ever. direct my paths and let me follow you. let me be more like You. Amen.

laging nakangiti. tumatawa. humahalakhak. nangungulit.

maingay. mapag-biro. masarap kasama.

akala mo lang masaya.

pero yun pala…

akala mo ok na dahil hindi nagsalita.

        sa tingin mo hindi apektado dahil hindi nag-komento.

        wari mo’y natutuwa para sa yo

        kung alam mo lang…

        bakit nagmamadali? mahaba pa ang panahon.

        bakit sa ganitong paraan? hindi naman naaayon.

        bakit ganun? dapat alam mo na.

        ang sarap mong sapakin… grrrrrrrrrrrrr…

        badtrip ka!