tinted files

we were asked by our doctor-professor to mull that over as we go about our daily routines until next week. we’re supposed to write our thoughts and reflections. so here’s a peek to my thoughts on my impending death…                                                                                                         

i woke up yesterday at 4am and thought, "what if i die today?" then i promptly fell asleep. i didn’t have a single thought about my death that entire day. <sigh> so much for the exercise.                                                                                                              this morning, i woke up thinking. "what if i die today?" and immediately after that thought came this: "if i’m going to die today, might as well die now so i wouldn’t have to take my exam at 3pm!" haha… while killing time at home waiting for my exam, it was about 11 am, i called and talked with tita rose, tita pearl and tito gary at the ivbldg in manila. i just said hi and asked how they were. i just thought it would be nice to have talked to them before i died. hehe. i tried calling nanay but her phone was unattended so i called tatay instead. it turned out they were with some friends from Malaysia at the Eden Park in Davao. so nainggit lang naman ako that they were having so much fun fishing while i have to take an exam later in the afternoon. hay. i also tried calling ate chona solarta but she didn’t answer. awww…. sayang. anyway, i didn’t die today so i get to call her again tomorrow. =) all the while i was thinking, "if i die today, i’ll be leaving a pretty hefty phone bill for my housemates to pay for, what with all the calls i’ve been making." hehe. at least i got to talk with my dad. anyway, i didn’t die yesterday so i still took the exam on thanatology. (yes, that’s our topic for the week hence the assignment.)                                                                                                   

so the question still remains for this new day. i must start thinking about it seriously. if i’m dying today (according to my clock it’s 12:40am, so its saturday na) then i’d probably hop on the first plane to davao so i could spend a few more hours with my parents and brother. sad lng because i probably won’t get to see manong jaja because he’s in manila. but perhaps he could also be persuaded to hop on a plane to davao so i could say goodbye. i’d probably be sad because i won’t be able to say goodbye to most of my friends, but at least i’m with my family. another thing that could make my dying today happy is that i no longer have to study for our block exam on Monday! yahoo! *cartwheels* at least i get off that. (oh yeah, another thought that persisted in my head yesterday was, "if i’m going to die soon, i might as well stop studying medicine. pinapahirapan ko lang sarili ko tapos di rin naman pala ko makaka-practice.")                                                                                                      

so what if i really die today? i have no regrets. i’ve told my family i love them. i’ve already said sorry to those i need to say it to. i’ve forgiven those i need to forgive. as far as i know, i have no enemies that i need to make peace with… though i haven’t done everything i wanted to do, i have done what i could during the time given me. and i’m content with that. i guess death would be a blessing to me if it came today.                                                                           

sleep, blessed sleep.

i am one of those people who has a talent for sleeping. i can sleep anytime, anywhere, at any position and in any situation. i’ve slept in class, at church, in the bus, sa plane, sa boat. when i was in college, it took me a long time to memorize or recognize the way to uplb kase bago pa man din umabot sa araneta center ung bus e tulog na ako (at sa aurora boulevard ako sumasakay ha! hehe.) tapos gigising ako nasa olivarez na. pag pauwi naman, di pa ko umaabot sa pansol, tulog na ko agad, tapos gigising na lng ako nasa cubao na. hahaha. i wake up at intervals but those lucid moments last for less than five minutes and i don’t think that what i see and hear during those times really register. hmm… nakakatulog din ako through earthquakes. except that one time when i was in highschool and i slept sa double deck. e kase nman malakas tlga ung isang un and the bed really swayed hard.

sitting, standing, stretched out on the bed, or curled up. basta antok, tulog. (hay, may downside: hirap mag-aral!) maka-masa daw. masandig tulog. nakakahiya nga sa class e. hehe. i don’t have a problem sleeping except when there is someone beside me.

i really can’t sleep when someone has their arms or legs around me. and i wake up when someone happens to touch me. kahit gaano kasarap ang tulog ko, nagigising talaga ako pag meron nang parte ng katawan ng ibang tao na mag-touch sa katawan ko. may built-in safety system yata ang katawan ko. this is really ok pag nakatulog ako sa sasakyan. kase everytime nagpapalit ung katabi ko, nagigising tlga ako just to see kung sino na ung bago. kaya lng inconvenient talga siya pag nasa bahay or pag nasa trip tapos share-share sa room at bed. haaay…

i hope i can put this talent of mine to good use when we become interns… which is not that far away now… =)

la lng, naisip ko lang i-blog to. haha!